i think i'm bipolar...or 8 years old

so i had either a fantastic weekend or one of the worst weekends ever, depending on how you look at it. had a fantastic time with Proctologist (as Danny Boy lovingly refers to him, even tho he's not one) on friday. HY was very angry and hurt and made it known. so the weekend was spent either giggling like a little school girl or wanting to cry my heart out. comments made to me ranged from "you smell nice" to "i hate you and wish i never knew you." always fun.

i don't remember when life became this hard. i guess it is after puberty that it gets like that, when relationships don't end up the way you planned...when people you never thought you would give a second glance to are all you can think about...when the one person you promised you'd never hurt is the person whose heart you broke...and lives are changed forever. i miss the days of wandering around the playground, figuring out how to do that new trick on the monkey bars, remembering how proud i felt to hold a boy's hand, when "breaking up" just meant you didn't eat lunch together anymore. somewhere along the line we just grew up. and divorces, affairs, heartbreaks, and let's-just-give-it-one-more-trys are a part of everyday conversations. it's wierd. it's almost twilight-zoney, because i can remember so clearly the day i was able to turn on the monkey bars 17 times. and wasn't it just last week i could do a cherry drop without holding my friend's hand? how is it that i know so many people where 5-7 years (or more) of relationship ends in dust? how is it that i know so many people who postponed their wedding indefinitely? is this just the way it's always been, or is it our generation?

regardless, such is life. it is what it is. so it goes. this too shall pass. when life gives you lemons make lemonade. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. and every other saying in the book which all mean the same thing - shit happens. like my mom says - you have to guts to live, and you have to have guts to die. either way, you need to have the guts. so what's the point of asking why (or why me)? just go forward. that attitude could have saved my relationship. i think. who knows.

regardless of the path, i do believe that things end up the way they're supposed to. it's just a matter of who you affect along the way that can change. that's what really sucks.

i'm supposed to come up with the lyrics for a new song the band is writing. well, at least i have a lot of material to write it.