obsessions

obviously, i've been doing a lot of thinking this past week. and when i say thinking, i mean thinking. we're talking 24 hours a day, 7 days a week pondering, questioning, sometimes answering, asking more, talking, day dreaming thinking. if it's not conscious, then i dream about it to work more thinking in. efficient. really it is.

after all this thinking, i've come to a few conclusions. sometimes i feel like my life is on crack. i definitely go through the emotions faster than most people i know. i've gone from devastated to wanting to be her friend in less than a week. i think most people would stick around devastated for a few weeks longer. i've gone from how i'm the most alone and abandoned person ever to philosophizing how it came to be. and that, my friends, is the most interesting thinking of all.

i'm starting to imagine a huge roll of butcher paper. imagine this roll of paper laid out, horizontally, over however many walls it would take to fill up, well 80 years worth. let's say each year is a foot. so 1 inch per month. we're talking 80 feet of butcher paper to cover my life, assuming i live to be around 80. this day and age, prolly older. and during the first inch of this 80 foot piece of paper would be my first 2 dots - my parents. i imagine it much like atoms in a molecule. i would be the nucleus, and around me would be orbiting atoms - 2 for my parents, 1 for other people who come in my life, etc. at 2 years would be a dot for meghana, and she stays near me forever, of course, since we're still friends. but another dot might be for Elizabeth, my kindergarten nap parter. we would always take naps next to each other in kindergarten. but that dot would leave my chart after the 5th foot of paper, since i have no idea where she is or what her last name even is. during the 6th foot of paper, i would have a dot for Pramesh. i was his first crush. we would play cat and mouse during recess, every recess. he would also leave my chart sometime during that 6th foot, because i have no idea where he is. and so on and so forth. sometime during the 5th foot i'd have to draw a bunch of colors, since it was a life changing moment for me. i could continue through high school, having dots coming in for people i hung around, dots leaving for people i lost contact with, bright colors for what i deem to be my life changing moments. then college, and that would be interesting, since certain dots would be so close to me, and though they're still in my life right now, they're more hovering in the same area, rather than orbiting my nucleus. grad school would bring much of the same. 6 years i would have a dot orbiting me, but now that dot is only hovering nearby. i think this project would be so interesting because i could truly take a step back and view how my life has changed. how certain events had to occur the way they did in order for things to progress the way they have. how if dots had changed even by a millimeter, the rest of the timeline would have looked like it was from a parallel universe. in my head, of course, all these dots are constantly moving, much like the maps from Harry Potter movies. but most importantly, i think this project would make me see how small a week is actually in the grand scheme of things. i feel like this past week was unbearable, yet in my map it's only a quarter of an inch. A QUARTER OF AN INCH! that's so tiny. and i think it would be fun to see where it goes, since i'll only have 27 feet of this butcher paper filled out.

i might actually make this a project. it might be fun. i just need to buy a box of crayons, some butcher paper, a ruler, and some tape. exciting.