edited nov. 8

Ouch.

so this post first only read ouch. but i don't think it's that much of an ouch anymore. i think new york is lame. childish and lame. and it feels good to recognize that and realize that i'm a better person. i'm a cool, confident young woman, and i've got plenty to look forward to. and i don't need someone like new york to make me feel otherwise. he's dumb. it's actually kind of sad. i feel like he should be super mature since he's a SURGEON and all, but i guess that makes them never grow up. it's really bad how many docs i've met that are really not all that grown-up. it's like they've been in school or training so long that they never had the real-life working experience. so they get stuck in this high-school who's-saying-what type of soap opera mentality. oh well.

the taco the town

so i fell. and i don't just mean i tripped, caught myself, and moved on. i mean, i fell. in the cafeteria. at noon. lots and lots and LOTS of people around. let me replay this moment for you.

i'm in work clothes, just like any other wednesday. have one of my most comfy heels on, black pointy shoes. danny boy was supposed to eat lunch with me, and i couldn't find him and decided he was outside somewhere waiting for me out there. as i told the other people that i was going to go look for him, the man next to me pushed his chair out so he could get up. and that's when my foot and the leg of his chair wanted to be in the same place at the same time. my heel got caught on the leg of the chair and there i went. i could see out of the corner of my eye my arm making a huge windmill like motion, and i could see out of the corner of the other eye my other arm following suit. and i went down, i imagine much like how goliath went down from. or at least, that's how it felt. arms flailing and everything! thank goodness i have some sort sense of agility, and i caught myself, with very little contact with the floor. i think only a little tiny bit of my knee hit the floor (and i have a tiny bruise there to prove it). the whole, and i mean the whole cafeteria uttered one collective surprised gasp, and ALL heads turned towards me. i just looked around like a fool and jumped back up. some people were laughing, some people were asking if i was ok with a big fat grin on their faces, and the man whose chair my foot met close up looked appalled. yes, yes it was your chair i tripped on. at least i actually tripped on something (i've been known to trip on air) this time. i'm brown, and right now i'm pretty tan from the summer. but i still somehow managed to turn beet red. i could FEEL the blood in my face, pounding with every beat of my completely embarrassed heart. i looked around the floor in case God felt bad for me and opened up a hole i could crawl into. no such luck. i just walked straight to the door until i found someone i could talk to (who of course made fun of me - who was actually JDoe. Karma, i'm telling you. all this just for telling a few stories?!) until people stopped staring at me. which they didn't for a good 3 minutes. always a fun day when you're watching a klutz like me!

still aching

i haven't shook the headache yet. ugh. i bet it will magically disappear when it's friday after work.

yesterday i went home early to try and take a nap for the headache. but when i got home i got a call from JD - he got laid off =( boo. so i met him for drinks at Amazon. i told him i'd make him his dinner of choice and he picked lasagna. DB came over as well and the 2 boys played video games while i made the lasagna. it came out pretty ok (nice and spicy of course) but it seemed like no one was hungry for it. they both took enough for lunch today so at least i know they actually liked it. we also had garlic toast and ice cream for dessert. yum. i'm craving that lasagna now. i'll eat it for lunch tomorrow.

anyway, JD is doing well. they paid him enough severance so he can look for a job and not worry too much. i'll bet he'll find a way better job that's he's happier with and have more fun with. everything happens for a reason.

i need to start thinking about what i'm going to take to NYC. it's cold cold cold. and it's 10 days, with work stuff. so i need nice work clothes as well as lounging clothes. a lot of clothes to fit into a carry on. speaking of, i need to do laundry...

waking up with a headache

don't like it. it hurts.

i got my hair trimmed on friday. and when i say trimmed, i really mean trimmed. there was NO hair on the floor after she was done. awesome. i feel like i got super healthy ends but didn't lose any length at all! she's amazing. she was a referral from E, who told me that she's sent most of the people we know at work to this place. the hair lady's name was Tiffany. she started freaking out at my piercings, which is always funny. anyway, she gave me great advice on my hair and made me change my shampoo. good shampoo is expensive. but she assured me that this shampoo would last a very long time. we'll see how it is. she even taught me how to use a blowdrier and a brush to straighten my hair. yea yea, i don't know how to do that. shoot me.

after my haircut i went to H's house for dinner. she's become a gourmet cook! i guess not having a job in almost a year will do that :( but she made dok-bokki (sooo good), potstickers, and amazing soup. soooo yummy. i invited myself over for dinner on a weekly basis because it was that good. =)

after that, Hellen came over to chat. we had a nice little talk and then watch Russell Peters on youtube. he's HILARIOUS. he's this indian comedian who is just soooo funny. let me see if i can figure out how to attach that video...yup, not that tech savvy. here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nn5jlrxcpkI

soooooooooo funny. loved it.

studio time was great. i'll get a copy on wednesday. i hope i sound ok.

i had a great time at home as well. we just hung out on saturday evening, and yesterday we went to the wedding. it was fun! the groom is our distant relative somehow. he's good-looking, and his wife (now) is a cute white girl. they made SUCH a cute couple. makes me want to marry a white dude. haha.

so last night on the way home i sat next to this girl Alexis. she was scared of the turbulence (santa ana winds made it crazy) and i kept her mind off of it by getting her involved in a cross word puzzle. we just got to chatting and it turns out she lives down the street from me. i just took a chance and invited her over to have a drink. she accepted, and we ended up talking until about 11 something! very cool girl! new valley friend! randomly met her, but we seemed to click, so might as well go with it. it's hard to find nice people in the valley.

i think when i get back from new york i want to get into art making. i watched HGTV with my mom all weekend and just loved some of the ideas. i can't wait. K - i'm making you one of these things that i want to do. hopefully it comes out well!

i think i'm going to chop my hair

man, if i didn't want to grow it out, i would. but i want super long hair. i think it would be fun. especially when it's "straight" as straight as my hair'll get, which is really curly at the ends. haha. anyway, i'm getting a trim today. it's been quite a few months, so it'll make the ends healthy again. always a good thing.

went to lunch with Nameless today. acapulco. gross. ate WAY too much.

that's the end of my post today. i just feel too gross.

oh, tomorrow's my first time in the studio. need to get a little more confidence between now and then. i'm nervous!! we'll see how it goes!

you're ugly and you smell funny

i read this old email from D about "radical honesty." basically you just state what's on your mind, regardless of the consequences. i'm all about not having a filter (since i don't have one, even those times i wish i had one), but this is getting a little out of hand.

http://www.esquire.com/print-this/honesty0707?x

i feel like it's trying too hard to be a prick. to offer information when the other party may or may not want it. but it is an interesting thought...

there have been plenty of times when i'm sitting in a meeting wondering why the hell i'm sitting there. why i put up with the load of crap that someone's trying to hand off as useful information. sometimes i do have an ally mcbeal moment when i imagine myself taking that stupid diet coke out of his hand (i mean it's 8:30 in the morning for crying out loud!), pouring it all over his stuck-up talks-too-much head, and screaming, "you're ugly and you smell funny and this meeting is garbage and you don't even make sense!" and just storming out. but, twenty seconds after my day dream begins, it ends, and i'm still sitting there nodding in agreement to whatever bull he's spewing out of his mouth at that moment. maybe if i was like the old man in the article i could say what i wanted to and just get out of there.

but being blunt and "honest" shouldn't be an excuse to make someone else feel bad. as he states in the article, it's about staying there, letting the resentment come out, dealing with it, and most importantly, getting over it. i think that's my main problem. either i don't have the patience to stay there and deal with the other person, or i get over it with a conversation (in my head). i have a lot of those - conversations with other people when they don't even know i'm talking to them. i just play both sides of the conversation. it's a great way to make people say what you want them to say (although they have no clue they're even talking to you). and it's a great way to get over something that angers you without ever having to deal with it. it's a way of not sweating the small stuff. of course, if something bothers me for more than a few minutes i'll have a real live conversation with them, because i'm also terrible at holding things in (the lack of a filter makes it so).

so all in all i like being honest with people ("does this make me look fat?" "well, you're not fat, but that isn't the most flattering. try this instead.") but being nice about things never hurt anyone. you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar yadda yadda yadda. i believe it. i want people to be honest with me, but there's no sense in making me feel like i'm the scum of the earth.

so don't go telling people you're in love with their spouses...

a karmic kick in the d-money

i went grocery shopping in anticipation of Hellen visiting on monday. she ended up flaking because of work, but at least i had groceries. and that's a good thing, right? well, not if you shop hungry. and i wasn't just hungry, i was so starving i would have eaten a frozen pizza straight from the box. hell i would've eaten my shoe if i had to. so i'm walking down the aisles, and usually i'm pretty good at buying healthy foods at the store. my rule is this - eat healthy at home and eat whatever i want out. and make sure to go out no more than once or twice a week. sounds great, and usually works well. this time, because i was so hungry, i ended up buying not one, but TWO bags of yummy barbeque Hawaiian chips (the BEST kind), and not one, not two, not even three or four, but FIVE boxes of macaroni and cheese. Kraft of course (is there any other kind even worth mentioning?). i bought a huge wedge of Brie. the rest of my food was normal and healthy, but i think 3000 calories worth of powdered fake cheese sauce, real brie cheese, and fried potato goodness cancels out the other stuff. oh, and i bought 4 avocados (to eat with the brie, of course). i felt guilty so i bought healthnut bread from orowheat. it's actually great bread. i made a sandwich last night with cucumbers (hothouse), brie, avocado, stone ground mustard (nice and spicy), and loads of spinach. sooo tasty. of course i had a huge handful of chips with it. but balanced that out with a huge glass of ice cold milk. YUM. i'm hungry already. my lunch today? leftover mac and cheese =)

I sent in my essay and application to UCSF. i ended up going with the UCSD essay. i changed it a bit to allow room for a list of my most recent publications, since UCSF is really interested in research. i talked to the lady Laurie Nelson who's kind of an advisor for med schools. she said she loved my UCSD essay (yay) and even went so far as to say it was one of the best essays she'd read. wow! that was awesome. it felt great, even though it may not be true :) anyway, she told me that 80% (huge) of UCSF's incoming class has been out of school for a year or more. that's fantastic! that's me!

anyway, the boss and the president sent their letters of recommendation in. well, actually, the boss just gave me an envelope and i sent it in. it should be in UCLA's system soon, so once i send those out, i'll be ready to go. i still feel like i should have applied to more schools, but i don't think i can stomach leaving california. we'll see. one thing at a time, right? well, i checked, and they're there. and i sent them in! yay! now it's the waiting game...

other than that, i feel like i've just been sitting a lot. i spent the entire day on saturday sitting. literally. K and i were going to go out, but it seemed that neither of us were up for it. so we sat. well, she actually went shopping and was productive, but i did nothing. i used her motivation for spending money to do my own spending on sunday. of course, she spent it on pretty things that make her feel better about herself, i spent it on...toys. but i still spent $800. i got a new hard drive for my laptop, the iTouch, new wireless (and weather resistent) speakers, and some new blank CDs to make my friends some music. oh, and i also finally got internet for my apt and bought a new router so i could get the wireless thing going. it worked =) now i can browse the internet on my fast laptop AND on my iTouch. yay. i guess K and i both compensate with our voids in the same way, just on different things...the things K spends money on makes her look better and feel better and she gets out way more...the things i spend it on make me sit and home even more and be a hermit. awesome.

i wonder why it is people have to validate what they buy with the word "new". it's not like anyone's going to buy an OLD pair of shoes, or an OLD set of speakers, or OLD underwear. it's funny.

so a$$hole is in town. since i'm friends with him (friends wise he's fine, otherwise he's an a$$. people can have two sides to their personalities. i'm just calling it like it is), we're hanging out tomorrow or something. i've decided to call him a double money (a.k.a. a$$). or d-money for short. he thinks it's a compliment. he's a smart one, so let's see if he can figure it out.

i got a karmic kick in the d-money for posting JDoe's little escapade in the lady's lockerroom. we went swimming after work yesterday. i went in to take a shower as usual, and since it's just the lady's locker room, i usually just am naked in the shower area. well, i'm putting up my towel and getting ready to get into the stall when i see a bunch of hair. i think to myself - wait a minute, this is either one HAIRY lady or...OH! it's a MAN! and he's just standing there, staring at me. and i react pretty quick and say "HEY! Get OUT!" and jump into the shower. the shower curtain is only until your neck, so he can still see my face, and he says, "uhh...wrong room." but is STILL standing there. i say something like "no kidding! get OUT!" and he finally reacts and mumbles sorry and leaves.

argh. i hope i get into med school this year. i'm really really hoping. i miss dan - he's been gone for almost 2 weeks.

that stupid six pence song...

so new york called yesterday - it was a nice little chat. i still need to decide what to send UCSF. i think i've settled on a 1-page essay and a 1-page CV depending on what info they had with my ACMAS app. i'm just SO excited that i at least got a secondary.

i went swimming with John Doe yesterday. we are definitely getting better - this time we swam 6 sets of 3 laps each. before we could only do 1 lap before we were huffing and puffing. yay! on the way back to work, another hilarious conversation:

JDoe "you know, back at home when i was growing up, the zoo was giving away 1 year old leopard cubs for adoption"
[at this, i screamed and wanted one, of course, and starting coming up with a plan as to how i could procure a leopard]
JDoe "my family was almost going to get a baby elephant to adopt as well"
[yup, i would take one of those too. it would be a little harder though. i could see a leopard in my apt - but a whole elephant? maybe if i had a first floor apt?]
JDoe "you know, one time i got in a fight with a baby elephant."
[double take - WHAT?!]
JDoe "over a banana"
HUH?
JDoe "yea - we were at the zoo, and my little cousin had a backpack with a banana in it. the baby elephant grabbed the banana, and i grabbed the banana. i was playing tug-of-war with the banana and the elephant! he was so strong for a little guy! he won..."

oh my lord. i swear the conversations i have with this guy. i had another once regarding what i should wear to go out with new york. he could have been on queer-eye for the straight guy or whatever that show is. here's a transcript (saved just so i could post it). he's going to kill me...

JDoe [1:48 PM]: wassup tonight?
Me [3:20 PM]: going on a date. with a boy. a real live boy
JDoe [3:20 PM]: SWEET
Me [3:21 PM]: we're just meeting up for drinks
JDoe [3:21 PM]: what ever!!!!! you go girl
Me [3:21 PM]: i don't know what to wear. jeans…but then i'm stuck
JDoe [3:21 PM]: nope
Me [3:21 PM]: no jeans???
JDoe [3:21 PM]: no jeans, something sexy
Me [3:22 PM]: it has to be jeans…jeans are sexy
JDoe [3:22 PM]: Its still somewhat summer
Me [3:22 PM]: but it's freezing!
JDoe [3:22 PM]: okok then jeans. but then a sexy top.
Me [3:22 PM]: but what's a sexy top???? help. heels or flats? I know - tennis shoes? too casual?
JDoe [3:23 PM]: sexy top = show a lot without showing anything
Me [3:23 PM]: oh my god what the hell does that mean? i haven't been on a date in a long time
JDoe [3:23 PM]: and heels woman!
Me [3:23 PM]: what's showing a lot without showing anything?
JDoe [3:23 PM]: he he he
Me [3:23 PM]: i have no girlfriends…but I have you. same difference. but what if he thinks it's not a date? so if i dress up then i feel stupid, get it?
JDoe [3:24 PM]: don’t wear black, make him think he hopes it is a date
Me [3:24 PM]: ok a tank top? sweater? i have black heels…that i can do
JDoe [3:25 PM]: top with a sweater that you can remove at dinner
Me [3:25 PM]: i don't have a sweater i can remove. but i have sweatshirts
JDoe [3:25 PM]: wear something with a little color.
JDoe [3:25 PM]: now i sound gay [NOW?]
Me [3:25 PM]: haha. And I sound like a boy. can i just wear a sweatshirt?
JDoe [3:26 PM]: no, you wanna make him think a little
JDoe [3:26 PM]: little cleavage
Me [3:27 PM]: ok i think can do that. what color again?
JDoe [3:27 PM]: just not black. more colorful.
Me [3:28 PM]: hilarious conversation. i'm going to save this
JDoe [3:28 PM]: i hate you woman

i swear, between Nameless and JDoe, parasites and baby elephants, work stays rather amusing...

thar she blows

whale watching was very fun on saturday, minus the wanting to throw up or just pull out my stomach feeling when the boat stopped. i had no idea i got sea sick, but there it was! regardless, it was soooo worth it. we saw 6 blue whales (HUGE) and about 200 dolphins - they were everywhere!! it was really amazing. let me see if i can post some pics...

These are the two blue whales we saw - all these pics are either Nalin's or Naren's...

Amazing pics of dolphins...

cool pic of birds and whale tails...


and another whale...

wow - it was beautiful. and beautiful pics!

anyway, other than that, the weekend was just like any other weekend - rings, texts, you know. yesterday Lindsey and i went karaoke singing - always a good time. it's fun to have a friend who harmonizes.

oh - really good news - i got a secondary for UCSF!!!!!!! i'm SO excited. i can't let myself get too excited since it doesn't mean THAT much. so basically about 8000 people applied, and 1500 get secondaries. out of those, 500 get interviews, and about 150 get in. slowly but surely, right? i hope i get in (obviously) but it would be SO COOL if i actually did get in (obviously) but i really want to go there (obviously). yup, i'm not thinking clearly and i'm just SO EXCITED. haha. secondaries mainly mean recommendation letters, a short essay (they give you 2 pages to do whatever you want, so i'm going to do a 1 page essay and 1 page CV), and some money. then if they like that, it's an interview. and then if they like you, you're in! sigh...it's nerve-wracking!

staying up till 3am partying...or watching reruns of Alias

yup, it was the latter. lame. i went to dinner with Shankar to this place called Follow Your Heart - healthy veggie food. was pretty good. i had some reuben sandwich with veganaise and sauerkraut. with carrot chips and a pickle. it was good. and some peach tea. but the highlight of the meal? this amazing sugar (yes, i said sugar) that came with the tea. it was SO good. i don't know what it was but it was the best tasting sugar i'd ever had in my whole life. Shankar agreed. we chatted and laughed and had a good dinner. then we went to Fry's to see if i can buy some Ram memory for my laptop to make it faster. the nice man Sid at the Service counter informed me it was the hard drive that was bad and i would have to replace it. $70 for an 80 gig hard drive. amazing. cheap.

anyway, i don't think i like dating. too much worrying and obsessing about why didn't he call why didn't he do this what about this how's that date going and who are you setting me up with? blech. but i guess it's a little fun =)

Nameless has a saying: “Don’t make someone a priority when you’re only an option to them.” I think this applied to a lot of my friends right now...

tomorrow night K and i are going out somewhere in hollywood. should be fun. oh - and tomorrow i'm going WHALE watching. so fun. can't wait. i hope i see a lot of whales. i need to remember to charge my camera battery.

by the way, the button on my jeans fell off, so i'm wearing them with just a belt. and no button. a rainbow belt. and i wonder why i have issues with boys?

renewed interests

i went to the dermatologist yesterday. nothing specific, but i figure it's good to go every year or so (ok, more because my insurance covers it). we were talking about medical school (what else do i talk about), and he was trying to get me interested in dermatology as a career. i must say, he sold it pretty well. i mentioned to him i'm more interested in becoming some sort of surgeon - neuro, cardio-thoracic, or orthopedic, and he quipped back with "you'll have no life, no time for your kids, and derms do surgery too!" he went on to invite me to observe some surgeries on monday! i can't wait. so i'm finally going to send in my secondary today.

i was thinking more and more about TKD yesterday. i'm really itching to kick something. i think my ankle is ready. i'm not too sure, but only one way to find out, right? i kicked my bag at home a little yesterday and it felt fine. it's a bit swollen but who cares as long as it doesn't hurt? yea yea, i know that's a little twisted logic, but i'm really itching to kick again. i think i'm going to call Glenn and see what days he's open to kick out. he changed his number, so i'll need to call HY to find the right number. it would be fun to be like the old days again. working until 5, jetting home to change and scarf something down, starting to warm up by 7. not leaving until 9 or 10. i sleep better, eat better (and can eat more which is always a plus), and am stronger. i don't remember how to fight anymore, but i don't really have the desire to find that passion again. it will suck me into that world...and i don't have the stomach or the heart for it.

that would be awesome - run a couple times a week, swim thrice a week, lift thrice a week, kick out twice a week...that's a lot of times a week. haha. sounds perfect. maybe throw some boxing in there for the heck of it. but that's scary - going back to the gym where the one-eyed men live...we'll see.

other than that, work is insane as usual. K - do you want to go out on Saturday night?

Sunday Sunday - can't trust that day...and poo

i agreed to sunday. i don't know what's going to happen, but i can't go through life knowing i didn't give it everything i had. keeping the options open though.

Boy called again last night. poor guy. if he hadn't told me about the frat, i might have been more open to hanging out more. UNTIL...last night he said, "hey, my roommate is cooking - do you want to come over?" i was almost considering it until he continued, "i'm going to bust out my hookah too. do you like to smoke hookah." sigh. so close. so i made my excuses and got myself out of it.

this band thing is getting annoying. always rescheduling. now they might want to make it on thursdays. we've only had 2 rehearsals, so i'm not looking to our first show.

i had lunch with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named today. we'll call her Nameless for short. HILARIOUS conversations. she was trying to give me advice on how to have game with men. since i have absolutely zero. she was telling me to not talk about things i usually talk about - poo being one of them. Nameless goes on to tell me her story of how she learned the hard way that boys do not want to talk about poo.

Nameless: "It's really great being here with you"
Boy: "Yea, it's awesome. Tell me something funny!"
Nameless: "Ok, i'll tell you a story about my childhood."
Boy: "awesome. you're beautiful."
Nameless: "well, when i was 4 years old, my mother told me i had parasites. [at this point i couldn't stop laughing] she took me to the doctor and the doc said they needed a poo sample to see what kind of parasites i had. she gave me a plastic cup, and i had to try and poo in it. i tried really really hard! but nothing came out. this was in El Salvador, so we didn't have the bathrooms like we do now, so i was in the backyard trying to do this. well, my little brother, who was 1 at the time, saw me struggling. so he ran into the kitchen, grabbed a plastic cup, and ran back out with a big ol' long piece of poo in it, showing my mom that he could, in fact, poo in a plastic cup."
Boy: "uuhhhh."
Nameless: "turns out i had tapeworms."
Boy: "ok. i have to...uh...go...somewhere."

and never called her again.

Now although i think this is one of the funniest stories i've ever heard, i think my poo poem is not as vulgar. and believe it or not, Nameless seems to have a grasp of the "game" as they call it. so she's now my relationship guru, and i'm not going to do anything until i run it past her first.

i think i'm bipolar...or 8 years old

so i had either a fantastic weekend or one of the worst weekends ever, depending on how you look at it. had a fantastic time with Proctologist (as Danny Boy lovingly refers to him, even tho he's not one) on friday. HY was very angry and hurt and made it known. so the weekend was spent either giggling like a little school girl or wanting to cry my heart out. comments made to me ranged from "you smell nice" to "i hate you and wish i never knew you." always fun.

i don't remember when life became this hard. i guess it is after puberty that it gets like that, when relationships don't end up the way you planned...when people you never thought you would give a second glance to are all you can think about...when the one person you promised you'd never hurt is the person whose heart you broke...and lives are changed forever. i miss the days of wandering around the playground, figuring out how to do that new trick on the monkey bars, remembering how proud i felt to hold a boy's hand, when "breaking up" just meant you didn't eat lunch together anymore. somewhere along the line we just grew up. and divorces, affairs, heartbreaks, and let's-just-give-it-one-more-trys are a part of everyday conversations. it's wierd. it's almost twilight-zoney, because i can remember so clearly the day i was able to turn on the monkey bars 17 times. and wasn't it just last week i could do a cherry drop without holding my friend's hand? how is it that i know so many people where 5-7 years (or more) of relationship ends in dust? how is it that i know so many people who postponed their wedding indefinitely? is this just the way it's always been, or is it our generation?

regardless, such is life. it is what it is. so it goes. this too shall pass. when life gives you lemons make lemonade. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. and every other saying in the book which all mean the same thing - shit happens. like my mom says - you have to guts to live, and you have to have guts to die. either way, you need to have the guts. so what's the point of asking why (or why me)? just go forward. that attitude could have saved my relationship. i think. who knows.

regardless of the path, i do believe that things end up the way they're supposed to. it's just a matter of who you affect along the way that can change. that's what really sucks.

i'm supposed to come up with the lyrics for a new song the band is writing. well, at least i have a lot of material to write it.