cat and mouse

why do i always end up being the mouse? cause secretly i think i like it. and besides, mice are cuter anyway...

and jeffro's been on some frenchie's plate long ago

grossie is in town. =) haven't caught up with him in ages, so it was very nice to do so last night. we talked and talked, and of course ended up in circle bar. sri martin and joe were there as well. cabo's going to be a blast. those guys are hilarious.

grossie made me realize a few things last night. i'm finally starting to get angry about the whole situation, which i think is healthy.

we're going to watch a movie on christmas day. i can't wait. i love movies. yay :)

ben vs romo

so my fantasy football team, suma's zoomas made it to the semi finals. ben vs tony. it's a tough call. with romo and jessica simpson, chances are he's going to be just as distracted as he was last week. and really? a thumb is that important? absolutely when you're a qb. he's had a great year, over 1000 yards more than ben, but i think it's time to put some trust in ben. and carolina and st. louis have crappy defense teams, so whatevers. i think it'll be fine to put ben in. it's tonight, so i don't have a lot of time to decide.

you know? in the middle of all this, i've totally ignored my basketball team. ugh. i knew that was going to happen. what to do.

i ran 4 miles the other night. unfortunately it was 3 days ago...geez, no 4 days ago. i'm going to take my shoes home so i can run everyday during christmas break. abstract season is too difficult to work out during.

we're having our white elephant thing today. i took a bottle of champagne. i wonder how popular it will be. white elephant reminds me of junior high days. getting picked for teams, where you're always the last one to be chosen. hey, it was hard being brown and a girl and skinny and smart back then. haha. glad to know some genes kicked in during high school regarding the athleticism. haha.

you know, i've always wondered what happened to carol le. she was very studious. i distinctly remember when she had a test and she was very very sick. she stopped in the middle (it was algebra 8th grade), went outside, threw up in the garbage can, came back in, and finished the test. WHAT?! she was amazing. anyway, this is my one moment that i will kick myself for forever. my one moment i wish i could take back. my one regret in life (i don't believe in regret, i think it's a waste of time, but THAT'S how bad i feel about this one). i remember we were all playing soccer in PE class. carol le was in my line. she put a big bright smile on her face, looked me dead in the eye, and said HI!!! with a big wave and an even bigger toothy grin. what did i do? ladies and gentlemen, i looked down and said nothing. this was...what? 7th grade? my least proud moment of my life i think. i don't know why i did that. i always talked to everyone during high school. i had popular friends, nerdy friends, jock friends, football friends, track friends, band friends...i had em all. why? because of that moment in 7th grade. seeing how that girl's face fell after i said nothing to her struck something in me. i think THAT was the moment i understood how a person can affect another human being. whether it be positively or negatively depended on the person. and i affected her so negatively. a few months later when i finally got the nerve to talk to her again (i felt too guilty for so long), she wanted nothing to do with me or anyone else for that matter. she was a loner, and she stayed that way until she moved high schools. i can't believe that girl chose me to reach out to. and how i just let her down. i've tried to find her since, but to no avail. so sad. i am ashamed.

the sky is blue, the birds are chirping...

...and i am a very happy girl. the weekend was great. got a massage on saturday morning, had lunch with my parents and K, hung out and chatted until it was time to go to Tori. she was amazing, as expected. sunday went to pancho's for some great brunch, even tho i ate prolly 2 bites total. i filled my stomach with liquids and chips. oops. came home, took a 3 hour nap (awesome), woke up, and ran 4 miles. haha. chatted with a new friend and went to bed. so simple, yet so much fun.

hmmm. this new friend...he's getting under my skin i realize. really fast too, so i'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing. i'm going to just ride along and see i suppose.

Superman ain't saving...

it's already 10am. i had an 8am meeting. i got home at 1:20am. i had band practice at 7pm. i got home from work at 6pm. i had an 8am meeting yesterday too. i got home at 3am. needless to say, i've been out these past two nights but working just as hard. but you can only pick 2 out of 3. play, work, sleep.

one of our scientists quit out of the blue. makes for a very difficult work environment, as we now have to take on those responsibilities (deadlines in 2 weeks), but i don't blame him for leaving. i don't think anyone can. the boss wasn't happy about this, but i can't blame him either. it's difficult when you see both sides sometimes.

i've been laughing and laughing a lot lately. soooo funny. with pics. love it. eh. this sentence doesn't make sense i know, but i just want to remind myself a few months down the road.

i'm going to go see Tori this weekend! can't wait. the last time i saw her was 1998. i might wear the same shirt just cause i can.

alright alright, what i want in a man.

a secret crazy spyman. no really. it would be fun. and our lives would be like true lies. haha. that would be fun.

what i want in a man. that's not hard i don't think. a nice guy with an edge. something should be able to spark his temper, but not from the daily grind. i want to come home to a man who is happy to see me. a family guy, loyal to his own family and also my own. protective of his future wife and kids. will do anything for us, as i'll do anything for them. must love dogs and birds of course. athletic. competitive enough to have that spark in his eyes. that fire. passion. yet loving. tall and broad because sometimes i want to feel like the little girl who needs saving. and i'm a pretty tough girl, so he's really gotta be that much more tough. cute, cause well, i have to wake up next to him for the next 50 or so years. oh. and he must love to travel and see the world. not just in the nice hotels and large cruise ships. but also with a backpack and a canoe.

there. 12 lines and i'm done. not that much to ask for, right?

Im'ma take you on

working is tough. there's no ifs ands or buts about it. it's not tough because it's hard, it's tough because it's boring. sometimes.

life is tough. there's no ifs ands or buts about it. it's not tough because it's hard, it's tough because sometimes it hurts.

but i have a new way of looking at things. well, not necessarily new, because i think i always end up coming to this conclusion after going through something. my old adage - who cares? life goes on. just keep laughing and pretty soon it'll be funny. ha. it does. really. just try. haha. hahaha. and here i am, actually laughing while i'm typing this. it's just not worth crying over it. it really isn't.

let's instead talk about the future. the things that have happened are in the past, and it's best just to leave them there. people (me included) always want to dig up old things in the past and overanalyze them. beat them over the head with a stick. until they're pulp. but what's the point? why not just let dead things be dead? it's already happened. what you take from the experience you've already taken. you've already robbed the corpse. so let it be. there's no use resuscitating a dead thing and trying to see what new life you can breathe into it. it's just not possible. we're not that special.

so that's my new thing. just letting it be. it's in the past. i've learned, i've loved, and i've moved on. end of story. what did i take from it? a good friend. perhaps more than one. what did i leave behind? mistrust, hurt, ego, anger, expectation, all those great qualities. so glad i lost those in the past, isn't it?

it's done. finished. over. and it feels great.

my dad says that time is like an old man. this old man is running, constantly running. his head is completely covered in oil, save for a little tuft of hair on his forehead. if you want to catch up with time, catch up enough to say something to him and have him listen to you, you have to get in front of him and grab his tuft of hair. but once he's passed you, there's no way you can catch up. because when you try to grab him, he slips through your fingers (the oil). so my dad says there's no sense in worrying about what's past - just stay ahead of him. think about your decisions, make them, and then forget about them. because he's always running - and the time to think about what you should've done is gone. it's time to look towards the future. to grab on to his tuft of hair and enjoy the ride. there's no sense in living in the past. you'll just end up being greasy.

obsessions

obviously, i've been doing a lot of thinking this past week. and when i say thinking, i mean thinking. we're talking 24 hours a day, 7 days a week pondering, questioning, sometimes answering, asking more, talking, day dreaming thinking. if it's not conscious, then i dream about it to work more thinking in. efficient. really it is.

after all this thinking, i've come to a few conclusions. sometimes i feel like my life is on crack. i definitely go through the emotions faster than most people i know. i've gone from devastated to wanting to be her friend in less than a week. i think most people would stick around devastated for a few weeks longer. i've gone from how i'm the most alone and abandoned person ever to philosophizing how it came to be. and that, my friends, is the most interesting thinking of all.

i'm starting to imagine a huge roll of butcher paper. imagine this roll of paper laid out, horizontally, over however many walls it would take to fill up, well 80 years worth. let's say each year is a foot. so 1 inch per month. we're talking 80 feet of butcher paper to cover my life, assuming i live to be around 80. this day and age, prolly older. and during the first inch of this 80 foot piece of paper would be my first 2 dots - my parents. i imagine it much like atoms in a molecule. i would be the nucleus, and around me would be orbiting atoms - 2 for my parents, 1 for other people who come in my life, etc. at 2 years would be a dot for meghana, and she stays near me forever, of course, since we're still friends. but another dot might be for Elizabeth, my kindergarten nap parter. we would always take naps next to each other in kindergarten. but that dot would leave my chart after the 5th foot of paper, since i have no idea where she is or what her last name even is. during the 6th foot of paper, i would have a dot for Pramesh. i was his first crush. we would play cat and mouse during recess, every recess. he would also leave my chart sometime during that 6th foot, because i have no idea where he is. and so on and so forth. sometime during the 5th foot i'd have to draw a bunch of colors, since it was a life changing moment for me. i could continue through high school, having dots coming in for people i hung around, dots leaving for people i lost contact with, bright colors for what i deem to be my life changing moments. then college, and that would be interesting, since certain dots would be so close to me, and though they're still in my life right now, they're more hovering in the same area, rather than orbiting my nucleus. grad school would bring much of the same. 6 years i would have a dot orbiting me, but now that dot is only hovering nearby. i think this project would be so interesting because i could truly take a step back and view how my life has changed. how certain events had to occur the way they did in order for things to progress the way they have. how if dots had changed even by a millimeter, the rest of the timeline would have looked like it was from a parallel universe. in my head, of course, all these dots are constantly moving, much like the maps from Harry Potter movies. but most importantly, i think this project would make me see how small a week is actually in the grand scheme of things. i feel like this past week was unbearable, yet in my map it's only a quarter of an inch. A QUARTER OF AN INCH! that's so tiny. and i think it would be fun to see where it goes, since i'll only have 27 feet of this butcher paper filled out.

i might actually make this a project. it might be fun. i just need to buy a box of crayons, some butcher paper, a ruler, and some tape. exciting.

oh the change

so it has definitely been one of the worst weeks i've been through in a long time. BBUUUTTTT with lots of talking, some crying, more philosophizing, not really eating or sleeping, and more talking, i think this is the BEST thing that could've happened to me. i'm starting to feel like i'm going to have my cake and eat it too. it's still a little odd and it's still a little difficult to fully accept and embrace, but i think this is really going to be an awesome thing in the long run. slowly but surely.

i'm not quite sure how to write down my feelings yet - so i'm not even going to try.

but somehow or the other i've gained both my best friend back and the freedom i had been longing for. and somehow i get to keep both. fantastic =) i'm so excited as to what 2008 is going to bring. or rather, who it's going to bring ;)

as i said:

1. it was the best decision for everyone.
2. i did a good deed.
3. things happen for a reason.
4. i am happy for my best friend and myself.
5. my (hot) man will find me very soon.

and that's all, folks! ugh - i'm just so haappppyyy. i hope this feeling lasts.